How to Date a Fat Girl.

I’ve thankfully been in a relationship for over two years now–I say thankfully, because it’s tough out there (well, that and I’m very much in love with my boyfriend!) The more I talk to my friends, the more I realize that men have no idea how to talk to fat girls. So I figured I’d create a handy how-to list, which will hopefully be helpful to those ready to pop on out of the fat closet, or who already have but aren’t having much success. This is written in a pretty heteronormative manner, which I apologize for, but the experiences I’m most familiar with are men trying to chase women.

This is loosely based on my own experiences as well as the experiences and suggestions of many girls I’ve talked to. Do you have more suggestions? Feel free to comment!

1) DON’T mention her weight. 
Mentioning this first because it’s SUPER important, and it’s the first thing guys tend to mess up on. Look, I’m a body positivity advocate. I identify as fat.  I realize that attraction is important and some people are attracted to fat bodies (which is totally cool!) All that being said: weight is just something you shouldn’t mention to anyone in a first conversation, fat or thin. I’ve seen so many opening lines, especially on dating sites, along the lines of

‘you’re cute, I love bbws.’

‘I’m a chubby chaser.’

‘I’ve always been attracted to bigger girls.’

Here’s the thing. JUST STOP ALREADY. It makes us feel like you’re talking to us JUST for our body. Especially on a dating site. You don’t need to have the username ‘bbwlover2012′, you don’t need to talk in your profile about how you’re looking for a fat girl, or how you define yourself as a chubby chaser*. You probably think that it’ll make fat girls more likely to contact you first, but honestly it’s hurting your cause more than anything. It makes you sound like all you care about is our bodies, that’s the most important part to you. It’s REALLY bad to make a girl feel like you’re objectifying her straight off the bat. So during a first conversation, don’t qualify why you’re talking to her. You don’t have to state that you’re attracted to larger bodies. Guess what? You talking to a fat girl, showing interest, and that says all we need to know! You wouldn’t message a thin girl and say ‘I think you’re hot, I’m really attracted to skinny girls’, would you? (I hope not.) I don’t want to speak for all fat chicks, but we’re looking for something pretty specific. Not someone who likes us because of our body, not someone who likes us in spite of our body. Just someone who likes us. All of us. So if you see a fat chick you’re interested in, try to find some common ground and base conversation starters on that. You both love Lord of the Rings? Excellent! You’re both into the same band? Great! Look at that, you’ve found a conversation opening!

*(Note, saying things like ‘real women have curves’, ‘only dogs like bones’, ‘skinny girls are gross’ are horrible things to say. You are more than welcome to have your preferences, but putting down other body types or other people’s preferences is NOT okay. And it doesn’t win you any points.)

2. Fat girls are girls too.
It may seem silly to mention, but it actually is important. Fat girls aren’t magical, mystical creatures. There’s no special way you need to talk to them, no different procedure, here. I get that question from time to time. ‘How do I approach a fat girl?’ Just like ANY other girl! We’re real people with real personalities and feelings. Just talk to us. We’ll appreciate it. Trust me. As fat girls, we spend a lot of our lives being treated differently–and it’s usually not in a good way. We’re not looking for you to make up for it. We’re just looking for you to get it and not do more of the same! As much as it may seem counterintuitive since I’m writing a whole post on how to date a fat girl, but a lot of this can be boiled down to this simple statement: date a fat girl the same way you’d date any other girl.

3. Don’t be offended if she’s suspicious.
Again, can’t speak for all fat girls, but lots of us have had a lot of bad experiences when it comes to dating. Men who’ll talk the good talk but won’t be seen with us in public, men who’ll have sex with us but make fun of fat girls to their friends, men who think we’re ‘desperate’ and ‘easy’ and just a quick lay. That can be a real self-esteem killer for us, and it can make us gun shy. So we can tend to be a little leery when a guy professes interest. Don’t take it personally. If you’ve managed to stick by rule number one, you might get a question like ‘So you don’t care that I’m fat?’ from a girl. This can be a tricky one to navigate. Just try to assure her that you’re attracted to what’s on the inside and the outside!

4. Be humble.
This might sound harsh, but you have no idea how many men expect some kind of reward for being attracted to fat girls. Well, you don’t. Maybe it’s not socially ‘in’ right now, but the fact of the matter is, PLENTY of guys like fat girls. Lots of them don’t want to admit it. Lots of them don’t tell anyone. But believe you me. If you don’t think there are guys out there who like fat girls, you are so wrong. I understand that it can be hard, you’re afraid of your friends or your family ragging on you for dating fat girls. But if you think that’s bad, try being the fat girlfriend. We get worried if your friends are going to judge us or snigger. We worry if your parents are going to tell you ‘you can do better.’ Any time you think it’s hard for you, remember it’s a lot harder for us.

5. Take her out in public.
I mentioned that most of us have had bad experiences, being the ‘secret’ lover, not ever getting to meet a guy’s friends, and it’s really quite painfully true. The fact that I have to add this piece of advice kind of makes me sad, but I feel it’s important. A lot of times when a fat girl is out with a guy in public, people assume that they’re ‘just friends.’ There’s such a stigma out there that fat girls never get the guy. Take her out to dinner, to the movies, walk around town. Hold her hand, put your arm around her. Looking couple-y doesn’t hurt! If you’re scared of what people think? You don’t deserve to have a fat girlfriend.

6. Be aware that sizeism is completely real, and don’t invalidate her experiences.
There are lots of folks out there who hate fat people. The vitriol some people have for others based purely on body size can be quite frightening. Understand that us ladies live in a culture where every magazine, every commercial, every ad is telling us that our bodies are wrong. We are not represented in media except as comic relief or the ‘before’ picture in a diet ad. Different fat girls have different experiences, but we’ve all experienced a lifetime of discrimination. Be sensitive to that. Chances are, she’ll have bad body image days. Chances are, there will be days when someone says something vicious and it’s hard for her to shake it off. Be aware that there’s a whole system of oppression working against her, and it’s hard sometimes.

7. Talk about it.
‘Whoa there, hold on!,’ you’re saying. ‘Didn’t number one say NOT to talk about it?’ Well yeah. Not at first. But the truth is, fat is one of those defining features that can’t really be ignored. It’s not who a person is, but you can’t ignore it either. Living in a fat bodies shapes many experiences for a person, and it’s important to understand and be sensitive to it. Different girls are at different stages of comfort and acceptance of their bodies (and frankly, that goes for all girls of all shapes and sizes!) Understand that some things are a little tougher for us. We can’t go into any old store in the mall and find an outfit. Sometimes booths aren’t the best ideas at a restaurant. There are probably things you haven’t thought about that she might be embarrassed about. It’s important to communicate these things and make her feel that she has a safe space to express these feelings.

8. NO QUALIFIERS.
“You’re not fat, you’re beautiful!”

“You’re so confident for a bigger girl!”

No. No no no no. If she calls herself fat, let her. If she wants to call herself chunky, or curvy, or voluptuous, let her. It’s her body to call what she wants. And if you’re going to compliment her, don’t do it in a backhanded way. Acknowledge that she’s both fat AND beautiful. Fat AND confident. Fat AND stylish. Fat isn’t a bad thing to be, and both of you need to realize that.

Your mileage may vary on any of these points, of course. All girls are different, all girls want slightly different things. There’s never going to be a one-size-fits-all list, especially when talking about such a large group of people! (pun not intended, yikes!) But overall it just comes down to being sensitive, perceptive, and attentive. Frankly, these are good values to have anyway!

Hope you’ve found this list helpful!

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90 Responses to How to Date a Fat Girl.

  1. Catherine says:

    This was brilliant, one thing I thought you could add is not commenting about what people eat. No “You’re not going to finish that, are you?” at restaurants and so on…

    • kristy says:

      And also not to amuse just cause we are bigger, we eat alot… i am big, but i really dont eat alot at all. my boyfriend who is not big, can out eat me quite easily…

      • kristy says:

        lol i meant Assmue, not amuse by the way haha

      • Rachel Bee says:

        I know EXACTLY what you mean. I am a size 20 girl, and my best friend is a size 6 girl. She can out-eat me any day of the week!

      • Jen says:

        Honey, you just THINK you don’t eat a lot. I thought the same thing too, but I was 285lbs. I clearly ate a lot. Anyone who is fat eats a lot and eats too much. This isn’t bad, it’s just part of being fat, so learn to accept it.

        • Wow, way to help maintain the stereotype that all fat people “eat too much,” and completely disrespect her own experience as a fat person with food. Guess what? Not every fat person eats a lot, and it’s ok if someone else’s experience with food is different than yours. You CAN accept that not every fat person is not exactly like you, right?

          • Jane says:

            What happened after 2013? I would love to read another post! Being “fat” is NOT always related to food….it could be a medical condition such as pan hypopituitarism and hypothalamic obesity. Both of these conditions are real and affect my 15 year old daughter since birth…..She will never been a “Twiggy”, but she is so beautiful and confident that she puts many people to shame without saying a word or reacting to a comment. She wears a bikini and owns it. She lights up a room. She wears the cutest outfits and has many young admirers….She even has a 14 year old boyfriend (Boyfriend being chaperoned and age appropriate as in hand holding and watching movies; skating, snowboarding, dancing, etc. -NO kissing….) She is a true advocate without even realizing it and I think I have learned so much about “fat girls” that it makes me sick to hear the ignorance in so many people. Our bodies are made up of cells, hormones, and I believe…the miracle of God; having said that, I believe there are no mistakes and as God has made brains and cells to be homosexual, he has also allowed brains and hormones to be so different that only knowing a person of such beauty is a honor and life lesson for us all. I am proud of this blog…….keep it going.

  2. Casey says:

    This is very good.

    I do think that figuring out when to say “fat bodies turn me on” is tough for guys. Because no, I don’t love being objectified by strangers. I don’t wish for some guy to immediately tell me I’m their sexual fantasy or whatever. I want to start slow, with witty banter and common interests, etc., just like almost any girl. But there does come a time when I will be nervous — either about whether you really do LIKE ME like me, or about taking my clothes of in front of you — and that might be a good time to let a girl know that you find her especially hot. I mean, it’s nice to be reassured. I don’t know if that means you should show the girl your bbw porn browsing history or whatever (I guess it depends on how comfortable you guys are talking about this!). But when fat-related reservations crop up, it’s best to quash them right off the bat. (Plus sex is better when everyone feels comfortable with their bodies!)

    Basically your two goals should be: 1) Reassuring her that you like her for her personality, that you respect her as a human, and that you wouldn’t date someone without said chemistry, and 2) At the same time, you *do* find her body type particularly attractive.

    • brittlestar42 says:

      I agree completely with what you say here: I do think that figuring out when to say “fat bodies turn me on” is tough for guys.

      Several years ago, I dated a guy on a plus size dating website who showed me in the best way that fat bodies turn him on. …At least, it was the best way for *me* and convinced me that he didn’t just see me as an “easy lay,” and had been into fat women since he was a pre-teen.

      The first thing he did was, after we’d been dating for a few weeks, he told me about two of his previous serious girlfriends, both of whom had been fat. He’d been with each for several years, and had no issues being seen with them in public, introducing them to family and friends, etc. That was the first step in the right direction with me.

      The second thing he did was, after we’d been dating for a few months, he showed me some old, dog-eared copies of plus size porn mags from the ’70s that he’d found at an older male relative’s house when he was 10 or 11. Stuff like “Juggs,” and other ‘zines mostly dedicated to fat women with larger boobs (which is my particular body type). He’d been so turned on by them as a pre-teen that he’d stolen them and hidden them away for himself and kept them for years. There was something about seeing the vintage porn (things were much more natural back in the ’70s – less airbrushing, and much less bush grooming; if if you know what I mean), seeing fat women represented as sexually desirable, and knowing that it had turned him on at an early age and made enough of an impression that he’d kept the mags into his 30s, that convinced me his attraction to fat women wasn’t just a fly-by-night, “I’m attracted to fat women as long as they’re easy” thing. He was honestly attracted to them and had known it from a young age.

      This, combined with the knowledge that he’d openly dated fat women and maintained relationships with them convinced me that his attraction was real. I should also add that when he showed me the mags, he didn’t make a big deal of it. We were hanging out as his apartment one afternoon and he just said in an offhand manner, “I want to show you something.” He pulled out the mags, almost shyly, and let me look at them for a few minutes. He said he’d had them for a while, told me the story about finding them and getting turned on by the pics, and not much else needed to be said. I knew then that his attraction was the real thing.

      The sad part of this story is that, unfortunately, the guy turned out to be a functioning alcoholic, which didn’t really become obvious until after we’d been dating several months. He had no intention of seeking treatment, either, so I couldn’t continue dating him. Which was a BIG bummer because, otherwise, he would have been a really great boyfriend.

    • Pauline says:

      This is the hard part for me. I don’t want to be fetishized for my fat. I don’t want a guy to “settle” for my fat body. He doesn’t have to be “into” big girls, but he has to like what he sees when he looks at me – which is kind of hard for me to believe if he *isn’t* expressly into big girls. Catch-22. I feel bad for guys who can’t admit they like big girls, or at least are attracted to the big girl they happen to be with. I don’t know if I can believe that there are guys for whom size honestly doesn’t matter. Most people have *some* kind of preference don’t they? I just got messaged by a guy this week on an online dating site (not a plus-size themed site). We’re connecting well so far. No mention of size yet but sooner or later I’m afraid we’ll have to have “the talk.” Does he realize how big I really am? Does he care? Is he attracted? I hate spinning my wheels about it. I hate that my size seems to be a “deal breaker” for so many guys, and too much of a deal maker for others. I wonder how long before I can send him a link to this article? ;-P

  3. OMG. I loved this article. I almost cried at one point….because ‘been there done that.’ Thank you!

  4. dede says:

    So love this you are amassing

  5. Amylou says:

    There are so many good things about this that I want to say, but I just don’t know where to start!

  6. Brittany says:

    Love love love this! Completely spot on. I wish I could find a sort-of polite way to say all of this to a guy right off the bat.

  7. redfish_123 says:

    Excellent observations put forth in a matter of fact way that is also funny. Thank you.
    so many points hit home.

  8. redfish_123 says:

    oh…btw…I’m a 260 lb nude model!

    • alyssa says:

      Thank u for this! I had my boyfriend read it just because. He thankfully is already very non discriminating. He’s loved me when i was thinner in high school and still chased me down after 10 years, 2 kids, and 80 lbs later. definitely a keeper! Never been thin since middle school but never been as big as i am now. I am trying to lose weight because of joint issues but i am pretty comfortable with myself. I still worry at times because of society’s idea of the petfect body. Im probably not the only one that wonders, regardless of their partner’s support, whether they will be able to make a relationship last if they remain big. I mean being nig for alot of women isn’t something that they can or want to change. So we should be respected for who and what we are. Not for what we look like. Thanx again and glad u found happiness as well. :-)

  9. Sherie says:

    Loved this it was so wonderful… More men need to read this an have an open mind at it.. thank you well written THANK YOU

  10. brittlestar42 says:

    Please post a link to what you’ve written here on Dims. …And any other plus size (“bbw,” “chubby chaser”) dating website on the interwebs.

    Synonym for “large” in your last paragraph: diverse.

  11. The thing that I like is when somebody makes it plain that they are attracted to me. When I arrive all dressed up, and they say, “Wow, you look amazing,” or, “You’re beautiful.” When they first get me naked and they just stop to look at my body for a moment, spend some time running their hands over me. I don’t wanna hear about how anybody is a chubby chaser or a fat admirer or whatever the fuck they call themselves, I wanna hear how hot they think I am. Pictures or casual mentions of big exes? Pinups of fat women? Yeah, sure, no problem. But mostly, I want to know that they’re into me.

    As for same-sex relationships, the dynamics can be really different. Yes, all of those problems are replicated to some extent in lesbian communities, but much less so. Very few dykes call themselves chubby chasers or FAs, even when fat women are who they’re attracted to. It just never got a lot of currency in the lesbian community. By the same token, very few women expect cookies for liking fat women.

    But there are lots of lesbians who would be horrified at the idea of dating a fat woman or being seen with one in public. So all the stuff about take her out in public, be proud to be seen with her, introduce her to your friends? Definitely do all of that.

    Queer women have the additional issue of the “fat dyke” stereotype. The idea that a fat woman only dates women because she can’t get a man, and that, conversely, all dykes are fat. This definitely feeds into the fatphobia within the lesbian community. Not something I have any advice on, just something I thought ought to be brought up.

    • brittlestar42 says:

      I get your point and should have clarified in my story above that the guy I was dating who showed me his favorite plus size porn mags from the ’70s and told me about his previous relationships with fat women did show me in many ways that he was into *me*. He called me back, for example, after our first date. Which, in my many years of experience dating guys I’ve met online, doesn’t happen about 98% of the time. Or I’ll call them back, leave a message, and never hear from them again.

      We shared some interests, too. We liked the same kind of humor, movies, books, pop culture, etc. At the time we went on our first date, I was into ironically wearing old Casio digital watches and one of the first things he said to me was that he loved my watch. The first time he hung out at my apartment, he spent some time browsing through my books and music, asking if he could borrow stuff, could we listen to this or that CD, etc. The first time we hung out at his apartment, we watched Christopher Guest’s movie Best In Show because he was kind of testing me to see if I was really into the movie and found it funny. I guess he’d dated other women who told him they shared some of his interests, but when they actually sat down to watch a movie or talk about pop culture, comedy, or books, they were bored and obviously weren’t into the same things he was. I was, which made him happy and more into *me*.

      Last example. The first time we had sex, it just kind of happened after we crawled into bed together. We’d had a long day and were both tired, so we wanted to take a nap. The first thing he said as we crawled into bed was, “I wanna be the big spoon.” And he loved it. Every time we were in bed together after that, we were spooning. He was such a tall guy, he was a perfect big spoon.

      It’s such a bummer he was too devoted to being an alcoholic to give it up because I really miss a lot of things about that guy.

  12. Perfect. I’m 34 now and been with my hubby for almost 5 years but this totally took me back to the days on dating sites or and fat girl parties! Well written x

  13. Peter Rowe says:

    I congratulate you on stating your experiences and guidance. I like to use the phase “Your whole “BEING” which is intended to indicate “YOUR WHOLE PERSON”!

  14. Jake says:

    HI. Firstly, I think this is a great post. We all need to show sensitivity in our dating habits. I am attracted to girls of all sizes. My last girlfriend was fairy petite and slim while my girlfriend before that was what society would term “obese.”

    However I struggled with an experience recently. After meeting a girl while out for drinks I went on a subsequent date with her the next day. Really, things didn’t gell too well and I decided that we should just remain friends. However this girl has obviously been treated horribly in the past by some guys and has expressed to me that she feels I didnt want to continue things because i was embarrassed to be seen with her in public. I feel very bad that my actions my have inadvertently contributed to self-esteen issues. Is there anything I can do?

    • Alissa says:

      Call her up and go out somewhere in public, just as friends, to reassure her that that wasn’t the issue. Honesty and Open-ness have always been the best policies, if you ask me.

    • Chickfactor says:

      If you’re really serious about being friends, then be her friend! Hang out, do activities together.

      I’ve just had a comparable experience with a man I met on a dating website- we went on an afternoon date, which turned into an all-dayer. He then picked me up the next day and took me for lunch with his best friend! We went back to his and, against my better judgment, I stayed the night. All the while he’s telling me he thinks I’m great and he just knew we were going to be good together. Then he went on holiday for a week. He text reasonably often, always chatty and friendly. Then a couple of days after he got back he texts to say he thinks we should be friends, not lovers. At this point I’m confused, but thinking that that’s fair enough, as the speed of things was a bit intense. And for a week I had the occasional text- we made plans to go to a gig, but he
      cancelled. And that’s all, she wrote.

      So if you REALLY want to be this girl’s friend, treat her with the courtesy you’d give your other friends, but if it was an exit strategy, then be honest with her about what put you off. I’ve got no idea about what put the guy I was seeing off, except

  15. Jess Lytle says:

    This post actually reminded me of my first years of getting to know my best friend and now my soon to be bride. I remember how every time I told her she was beautiful she would blush. I’ve seen her confidence skyrocket over the years. I’m so happy she loves her body. I remember the bashing she gave her body and you know it doesn’t matter if your thin or fat. You are beautiful and someone will seek your love. This post is amazing for men who don’t quite understand how to approach a beautiful fat woman. I’m going pass this blog around to a few friends. Keep up the good work Amber! *Starts reading older blog posts.*

  16. rachel says:

    GREAT ARTICLE! so well written, i can certainly relate! thank you

  17. Tammie says:

    Brilliant! I wish guys were more aware back when I was out in the field. I’m about to celebrate 25 years with my guy. While he would like me to be thinner, I know it’s only because my health is at risk.

  18. Alison says:

    YES !! Exactly !! Thank you. XXX

  19. nevermindiamnotimportanttoourworld/@fatwomenareinsignificant.com says:

    really giving women false hope here heh i am a fat and ugly woman least that’s how i have been made to feel all my life and your telling us some man is not going ot be ashamed to be seen with a pig like me in public really really really. give more false hope thank you even with my pcos making weight loss difficult i rather lose weight then call myself a bbw and commit suicide andl ive a fasle lifestyle that’s not the in thing to bbws are not trendy by no means they’re the outcasts of society for a a good reason i am a fatty hater causei been made to be by our society i hate me i hate me i hope i die i am a fat pig and that’s alli can see in me and want to i rather lose weight and keep losing once i reach a certain weight and fit into society and folks stop hating on me then i will to also i wont’ go looking for love til i am thin i dont’ deserve it until anyhow

    • Adipose Activist says:

      honey,

      your body isn’t the problem. your self-perception is.

    • brittlestar42 says:

      Learning to love and accept yourself no matter what your size is a difficult journey. If you’re struggling with it now, it will still be an issue for you when you lose weight. THAT’s the false hope: believing that your body and self-esteem issues will disappear if you lose weight. They might temporarily go into hiding if you achieve a more socially acceptable and desirable body size and shape, but eventually, they’ll creep back into your life to plague you again. It’s not your body that you dislike, it’s yourself.

    • Jess Lytle says:

      I smell a obvious troll here. Your self-perception of beauty is real sad. Remember you may hate yourself or hate men or women who are big but I love you because someones gotta forgive you. There is just too much hate in the world anyway.

  20. Came across this blog whilst trying to find something interesting to read. You write from the heart and sensitively with a heartfelt and poignant style. Look forward to more.

  21. brittlestar42 says:

    So you’re saying self love comes from other people? How, then, is it SELF love? How can you learn to love and be happy with yourself when you expect it to come from the outside world.

    For the record, your comments seem an awful lot like trolling, which is probably why they’ve been deleted. Before you presume to comment on a size activist blog, why not spend a little time educating yourself on size activism so you don’t come across as a clueless troll.

  22. bravo! I love this article, it is really fantastic. I haven’t really dated much because I am so put off by guys who think dating fat girls is doing them a favor, and things like that but I am going to start dipping my feet into the water. Any advice for a fat girl ready to get her date on?

    • anne says:

      cool, we are in the same boat! did you receive any good advice? i sure could do with some

  23. Vicki Francis says:

    Love it!

  24. Sharon says:

    Very well written. I have also enjoyed reading all the comments.

  25. Reblogged this on Digital Diva Lap-Band Blog and commented:
    Given my current situation with the Meathead, I thought it important to share this post. I couldn’t agree more with every point she’s made here and I’ve actually experienced all of it. Number 4 really is the kicker for me especially since the Meathead is oh so concerned with keeping things on the DL. Anyway, hope this shed some light on a heavy subject!

  26. Pingback: Writing Fat Characters « Adventures in Storyland

  27. J Olivieri says:

    FanDamTastic! Well said. Thank you!

  28. I just had a friend of mine from years ago contact me out of the blue and ask me if I would go out with him if he came back through town. After telling me how great my pictures look lately (I’ve lost about 50 pounds since he last lived here, although I’m still chubby), he still referred to me as “slightly overweight,” as if that were a compliment, to describe me as being outside of the acceptable norm, and then telling me how glad he was to hear from me because it is so difficult to round up a date when you are just in town for a few days! So I am supposed to be grateful for that!?

    • brittlestar42 says:

      This is what I’d tell him if I chose to respond: “It was good to hear from you, but I’m looking for more than just a casual date from someone who wants to use me for entertainment while they’re in town for a day. I prefer to date slightly mature guys.”

    • Chickfactor says:

      I really hope you declined…

  29. Zimzi says:

    I do a ton of dating these days. For me… That going out in public thing is the kicker. If a dude is not afraid to be seen with me in public (especially because I often date guys who really fit the bill for socially acceptable aesthetics) and will hold or hug or kiss or cuddle me in public, I know he actually likes me. If I meet his friends, same thing.

    I was at a concert with one of my partners, and he was holding me and dancing with me and kissing me and things. And I go to look at him, and I get this MASSIVE stink eye from a girl. I think he noticed it too because he just kissed the top of my head and told me he was having so much fun.

    You hit the nail on the head when you said that its just like dating any other type of girl.

  30. Charisa says:

    These tips can really be put towards dating any girl. Great advice.

  31. This is helpful and interesting, but don’t you think the word “fat” should be avoided at all costs because it’s always seen as a bad thing? Why not use other words that mean the same thing?

    • Adipose Activist says:

      I think what you need to ask yourself is why is fat a bad word? Why should I have to use another word that means the same thing when there’s nothing wrong with the word fat? Fat is not a negative, it’s not a bad word, it’s not a bad thing to be. It just is. I and many others like me call ourselves fat. By refusing to use the word, it gets further stigmatized into a ‘taboo’ word that should only be used as a negative or an insult. I refuse to do that.

      • For me, it’s the connotation of the word that’s the problem. It’s one of those words that can’t be reclaimed–like the R word or the N word. I wrote about on I WILL NOT DIET here: http://www.iwillnotdiet.com/?p=112

        • Adipose Activist says:

          But in your blog post, you’re buying into the connotation of the word. The article centers around calling people fat with the intent on shaming them into changing it. That’s not why I use the word fat. I use the word fat because it is an accurate descriptor of what I am. I am white, queer, cis, a redhead, and I am fat. None of these words give any more meaning than what I let them.

          Words like the N word and the R word are much different–there is no positive way to call someone the R word–it’s antiquated, and from the start it never had any positive meaning. You’re white. You really have no say in whether the N word can be reclaimed–some people believe it can, and that’s their right as people who were victimized by the word for so long.

          But fat is such a neutral word. It was not always considered such a venomous word. You need fat to survive. You use fat in recipes. You want to have a fat wallet. You can’t say that for other words like the examples you used.

          It’s a strong political statement to take a word that’s supposed to be bad and use it for something that isn’t. And while much of being fat is political, the word I choose to use to describe my body isn’t. It’s just a word.

        • brittlestar42 says:

          Fat is simply a word/term of description,, like tall, thin, short, freckled, brown haired, green eyed, etc. Any negative connotations ascribed to the word come from the person doing the ascribing. In this case, that would be you.

    • brittlestar42 says:

      Why replace “fat” with a euphemism? As I wrote in my other comment, “fat” is simply a term of description, like tall, short, red haired, etc. There’s nothing negative about the word, aside from the negative connotations you give it. If you let the word “fat” have negative power over you, then it’s a negative word. If you see it for what it *really* is – a word of description – there’s nothing negative about it at all. The whole point in reclaiming the word fat is to take it back, take it away from people who still ascribe negativity to it. And when you replace “fat” with a euphemism like “curvy,” “chubby,” “BBW,” “thick,” etc, you sweep the issue of reclamation under the rug and continue to support the idea that fat is a bad word. The more “fat” is used by more people as simply a word of description, and maybe even (horrors!) as something positive, the more the negative connotations fall away, the word loses it’s negative power and becomes what it really is: just a word.

      (And for those who are unclear, the same cannot be said for the N-word. It is not, nor has it EVER been “just a word.” If you study the history of the word, you’ll know it comes from a horribly ugly place and is a horribly ugly word. The N-word was never just about description. It was about subjugation, fear and hatred, which was the purpose of the creation of the word. Not so for fat. Fat was not created to subjugate fat people and engender fear and hatred in others. It’s history shows that it has always simply meant the opposite of thin.)

  32. saikou says:

    Wow this article is wonderful and it will go a long way in helping me interact with plus size women which I find particularly attractive.
    Thanks for sharing your perspective.

  33. JG says:

    It’s okay if some people don’t want to refer to themselves or others as “fat.” You don’t have to be so condescending and nasty about it.

    • Adipose Activist says:

      pretty sure that even in the original article I said that it’s okay to refer to your body as whatever you want. Never said anyone had to refer to their body as anything they don’t feel comfortable with. However, it’s neither condescending nor nasty to defend my right to describe my body as I choose.

      • JG says:

        On your Tumblr post about this issue you come across as very condescending about it. Don’t tell someone they’re wrong for not being comfortable with a certain word.

  34. You know, not every fat girl wants to stay fat either. If you like BBW, don’t sabotage her desire to lose weight! My ex husband did this, always eating out instead of letting me cook us dinner. I had lost weight (down to about 220) when I met him, and then after I ballooned back up to 370 (Not a joke). Now I’m working my way back down, because let’s face it, a lot of us are trying to lose weight but struggling because people around us aren’t supporting or helping. Coming home with McDonalds because it’s what you wanted makes us want it, or feel bad that we’re cooking for ourselves and you didn’t think to call us if you bringing home dinner. Soon you’re bringing home two value meals…

  35. Excellent article! As a BBW myself, I’ve gone through many of the same things you discuss. It’s a good start to a real discussion on the topic and I hope to see more from you in the future.

  36. adamuu Muhammad Ibrahim says:

    fat girls n boys are more sexy than others

    • Adipose Activist says:

      if that’s all you got out of this blog post, you’re wrong and you need to re-evaluate.

      if you think fat bodies are more attractive than thin bodies, you’re totally welcome to that preference. that’s awesome! but to say that people are more sexy than others, full stop, is offensive. no one body type is more (or less!) sexy than any other body type. they may be sexy in different ways, or to different people, but it’s not a competition. Don’t make it into one.

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  38. Nancy says:

    I think something else that may be worth noting, is if need be, have a quiet word with your family before I introducing. Just something simple like, “okay, so she’s a little bigger than most girls, but I really like her so please don’t draw attention to it as I don’t want HER to feel more uncomfortable than necessary”

    And I say this because the first time meeting my current boyfriends family, one of the first things his mum said was “Oh, you’re thinner -and better looking than the last girl he brought home”. Not only was that awkward for me, it was awkward for him too, and he got pretty upset that his mum made me feel that way.

    Suffice to say, they have treated me like crap ever since and (along with a whole list of other personal reasons) we no longer speak.

    This may just be me, and I’m sorry if anyone else thinks this is insulting, but I know I would’ve appreciated him having a word before hand.

    • Adipose Activist says:

      This is actually an excellent addition, and I’m sorry I didn’t think to add it into my post. I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve met a significant other’s family (my boyfriend’s family lives 3,000 miles away so meeting isn’t as easy as all that!) but I can imagine that it can be a very uncomfortable situation. Definitely something worth mentioning!

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  40. David Struve says:

    I would like to personally thank you for this wonderfully written article. It has opened my eyes in many ways, and made me realise that I have been guilty of a few faux pas you have listed such as saying “real women have curves” and I realise now how derogatory it does sound towards those with different bodies.
    My fiancé happens to be a bigger lady (this is the term she personally prefers to refer to herself as, rather than fat, so it’s what I will use) and we have been a couple for three years – yet until I read your article, we had never discussed this topic. As such, I have always been very careful about treading around the word fat for fear she considered it offensive and got upset. Thankfully we have discussed it, and she has told me I can be comfortable using the word fat as a descriptive term. I fell in love with her as a whole from the very beginning (it also helped that we were best friends for several years before admitting we had feelings for each other – so we were already 100% comfortable with each other in every way) – and as such I find everything about her attractive and sexy.

    This might sound strange, but I’ve never really viewed myself as being with a bigger lady – not on a conscious level anyway. I only see myself as being with HER. I don’t see her as a set of individual parts – I just see her as a whole. I am with Pamela – that’s it. It’s something I just can’t quite get my head around – why do people feel the need to compartmentalise the different aspects of a person? Why do people see this:
    1. Mind
    2. Personality
    3. Body
    Instead of seeing just this:
    1. HER.
    I mean, you can’t love just one part of a person – not if you’re really in love. You have to love them as a whole entity. So why feel the need to even say “I love her for her mind” or even “I love her for her mind AND body”. Just say “I love her.” Full stop. End of. By saying you love HER you are, in effect, saying you love her body and mind and personality and everything else that makes up HER – without falling into the trap of compartmentalising her.

    • You are a true mensch and your fiance is lucky to have you. I’m glad you also recognize the power of letting a fat person describe her body shape for herself and are not trying to change her or her use a different term. Not every fat person is comfortable using the word fat to describe themselves, and what helps them feel more empowered and comfortable in their body is choosing the term they like to use to describe themselves. Supporting them in that is very important, and it seems like you get that. Maybe eventually she will become comfortable reclaiming the word fat and using it to describe herself, and that can only come from loving support from her friends, family and partner, and further knowledge of size acceptance and participation in size acceptance communities. But if that doesn’t happen, continued support of her and the terms she chooses to describe herself and her body is the best thing you can do.

  41. Mr. X says:

    You won’t allow this to be posted or you’ll delete it, but guess what? Being fat isn’t healthy. And the more you try to change reality to fit your desires, the more miserable you’ll end up being. Good luck with your weight loss goals.

  42. Amanda A. says:

    I really love this post for many reasons. Mostly because some people seem to think that fat girls do not date. That we are always going to be hopeless and single. Number two is definitely my favorite point because I do want to be treated like any other girl and not turned to into a “special case” in someone’s dating history. I also like that you pointed out that fat women do not want to be turned into a fetish. Some guys seem to think that telling a fat woman right away that they are into fat chicks will make them comfortable. Just as with any new relationship, getting to know and like someone should be about more than their physical appearance.

  43. kadeem says:

    IM five seven muscular build looking to have a good time

    • brittlestar42 says:

      The post is called “HOW To Date a Fat Girl,” not “Ready and Willing Fat Girls To Date.” I’d tell you to go find a BBW dating site, but I wouldn’t want to inflict your obvious lack of integrity and intelligence on any poor, unsuspecting women.

  44. Greg says:

    My girlfriend who is a heavy set girl. The both of us have been together for a 1 1/2 years. I am happy I met her. We are deeply in love, and in the next year I am planning to pop the question.

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  46. Corvus says:

    I’ll try to remember all points. Thanks for pointing things out

  47. Connie C. says:

    This is such an excellent guide to men like myself. I am good on several points and terrible on others. It is humbling to realize I may had good intentions only to be insensitive. I take this article to heart and will revise my profile on a dating site I am on. We guys can be trained, though it takes a while. Thank you so much for this perpective… and I am saying not say anything until I learn not to put my foot in my mouth again.
    Again thanks!

  48. anne says:

    I have a date coming up and i am really nervous as i have put on alot of weight in the last two years from a size 16 to a size 26. I really like the guy, we met on a dating site and he says its whats on the inside that counts. I realise that its ME thats uncomfortable with my body size. But still any advice?

    • Kerowyn says:

      Hi Anne. I’d like to remind you that if you got this date in the first place, it’s because this guy IS interested in YOU. I’m in love with a bbw and I didn’t even know the term until today. I met her in an online game so I didn’t even know she was really a girl until we Skyped, but I started liking her because of how kind, smart, funny and feisty she was…well i could go on. And then I saw her and I didn’t think, “She’s a big girl” I thought: “She’s beautiful.” But all I said was something like, “You’ve got such beautiful jade-green eyes and delectable lips….but please don’t dye your dark brown curls red!” Well, maybe it was wrong of me to ask her not to dye her hair… but it’s such a nice color! And she sang for me and she had the most beautiful voice. But I didn’t fall in love because she is beautiful, I fell in love because of how she treated me and others. I wanted to spend lots of time with her and take her out, but it was like pulling teeth to get her to get out of the house :/. I guess I wanted to “show off” a bit in public and with friends because she is so awesome! And she always did have fun once I got her out. We were together a little over four months, but in the end, we didn’t stay together ’cause she needs to be with a man, not a woman. I couldn’t make her feel “safe and protected.” I couldn’t hold her in large, strong arms. It doesn’t help that i’m four inches shorter. (And of course, I couldn’t do the obvious thing that she craved.) But she did say I made her feel loved, cherished, and desired. So, I’m happy that I’ll always have a place in her heart.

  49. wade says:

    This blog makes me happy. My gf and I have been together just over a year. To me, she’s the most beautiful girl in the universe. That said, she’s struggled with body image issues for at least half her life (she’s 24). From what I understand, her parents were never too supportive when it came to this. Her dad, for instance, said (in somewhat broken English at dinner): “Ah! …you don’t need to eat that [food]! Hahahaha…” And her mom has said things like: “Sometimes I wish you were dead.” Granted, there is some cultural relativity to be taken into consideration, but I still think this is not okay.

    So, we’ve been together. I do everything I can to reassure her of how beautiful she is. She’ll spend a lot of time in front of the mirror, if we’re about to go somewhere. She has a fit if her makeup doesn’t go on right the first time. She worries so much about her looks that she’ll ask me to carry her tote bag if she feels like it doesn’t look right with her outfit. And she’ll get REALLY depressed sometimes about her looks and become practically inconsolable.

    I hate seeing her like this. Sometimes it feels like I’m trying to hold up a canoe for us when there’s a big leak :(

    My question here is: what can I do to help her feel good about herself? Because of her upbringing, it seems she’s really not a believer in therapy. (getting help=weak, or for crazy people). And she gets very slippery when it comes to discussing the idea of us going to the gym together. Again, I think she’s perfect as she is. But I think she’d feel better if she lost some weight. Seems to me a lot of this can be improved through addressing what goes on in the mind. How can she ever feel better if she’s stuck re-cycling all of the same old thoughts?

    • Adipose Activist says:

      The thing is, she won’t feel better if she loses weight. Her parents have made sure of that. If she loses weight, she’ll just find something else to criticize. And if you suggest going to the gym, to her that sends the message that YOU want her to change, even if that’s not the case, even if you’re doing it to be supportive.

      I would try to introduce her to the body positivity movement online. For me, I was never comfortable with my body until I found fat acceptance online. Seeing people online whose bodies looked like mine, who were happy, successful, stylish, in love, it made a world of difference for me. It’s something you don’t see in mainstream media. Here’s a list to get started, but the list of body pos blogs are truly endless! http://fuckyeahfatpositive.tumblr.com/otherblogs

      Whatever you do, don’t stop supporting her. And realize that it’s not her fault that she’s this way, it’s a lifetime of abuse from media, society, and her own family that’s made her hate herself. That takes a long time to undo, it’s not instantaneous!

      I hope this helps :)

  50. I think this is a great article. I have always been larger but have, fortunately, never dealt with many of these things. I have never had someone that didn’t want to be seen in public together or was weird about me meeting their friends or family. I have also never had someone directly comment on my weight. The only reassurance I ever needed was what , to me, is the most flattering compliment That unexpected spontaneous one where he is a little breathless or stunned and says “You look beautiful” or “You look great”. I am 32 am ready for a real LTR and have started online dating. I have definitely been with at least one guy that preferred larger woman but I think that other men I have dated have dated woman from small to large. I am on a couple of dating sites ( eHarmony and OkCupid.com) and am tired of wading through men that may or may not look close enough at my pictures to realize my size. While I am large I also have a bit of an hour glass figure and know how to dress for my body. I have been considering trying some of the BBW dating sites. Until my recent dedication to dating ( like it’s a second job) I had never really looked at any of these sites or thought about pursuing dating from that angle. I actually don’t mind a little fetish…I am comfortable with who I am and my sexuality. If I have a certain feature that really does it for whoever I am with I think it’s a fun bonus. I have a concern for these sites though because of the hook-up/only sex issue. I want a real relationship. My question is has anyone had an experience with these sites and finding a real relationship? Any site anyone would say to avoid if looking for a real relationship?

    • Adipose Activist says:

      I’ve had horrible experiences personally with the BBW dating sites. They’ll talk about my body, my belly, my legs, and completely miss talking about me as a whole person. Fetish is cool, but I myself am not a fetish. I’m a person. I had good luck with okcupid myself!

  51. John Wills says:

    Thank you for such an informative and enlightening article. I can’t believe how much a jerk I was (unintentionally). I definitely left with much to think about and a lot to work. Thank you again.

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  53. Tam says:

    I have been a big girl ALL my life. I’m 23 now and I have actually started losing weight, so far almost 20 pounds and I’m super excited! BUT… this article is amazing, especially after pointing out the way we’re treated every day because of our size. I was made fun of all my life, and those hurtful comments really stick with you to the end. Even now as I work my way into smaller clothing I am constantly judging myself and wondering if that bean pole of a girl on the other side of the room is snickering at ME and how I look. The more weight I lose the more confident I get, but I think I will always have that complex deep down telling me that I don’t look good regardless of how much weight I lose!

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